Gifting

This is the time of year for gifts.  It seems easy enough.  You make a list of the people in your life to whom you want to show your appreciation by giving a token of your affection.  But it really isn’t so simple.  All too often it comes down to who expects a gift and we weigh the relative dollar amount (we give relative to what we anticipate receiving).  In some families the gift is a big signal telling you where you stand emotionally. It’s no surprise that so many buy a passel of gift cards and call it good.

It’s easy to fall into the trap of feeling like you need to get a gift for nearly everyone who touches your life.  This turns gifting into a financially and emotionally stressful experience.   $5 tokens for teachers, hair dressers, favorite waiters and waitresses, cleaning ladies, neighbors, members of clubs, on and on and on….

Some people like to give funny/joke gifts.  This is can be funny, but sometimes the giftee is left wondering what to do with the funny item after the moment is over.  Some people go to painstaking lengths to find that perfect item and put a lot of thought into the whole process.  Problems arise when a “Perfect Gifter” receives something from a “Whimsical Gifter”.  I’ve seen this play out in a wide variety of settings.  The WG is delighted by their fun gift and the resulting laugh, the PG is wondering what they did to deserve it.  When reversed, the PG is excited to see how much their present is appreciated and the WG just doesn’t respond like that.  It gets dicey.

I’ll never forget spending time with a former friend right after Christmas.  She had two piles of opened gifts.  The “Good” pile and the “Bad” pile.  She went on, at length, detailing who gave her which gift and exactly what she thought.  The bad pile was treated like a big fetid pile of trash.  Why on earth would something think that she would want, much less like such a thing?  They offended her on multiple levels.  This attitude offended me on multiple levels.

Another person who is no longer in my life refused all Christmas gifts no matter who they were from or what the gift.  As an atheist he did not want to participate in the guilt-ridden mass commercialization of a holiday he did not believe in anyway. He was much less than gracious about his attitude and felt that these malicious gifters were not respecting his belief system.  What he failed to appreciate was that the people in his life who cared for him were not gifting out of guilt or obligation.  Also,  that people were celebrating their own belief system and that it was NOT ABOUT HIM (something he failed to realize about nearly every other aspect of his life).  This turned people’s heartfelt expression of affection into a sour experience for everyone.

Many folks want the people in their lives, especially their partners, to magically know what they want.  This can result in disappointment and bad feelings.  Working in retail I’ve seen this over and over.  Men want to get the perfect gift, they want to pick it out themselves without help, but then get intimidated and leave empty handed.  They are so afraid of getting it wrong and so afraid of getting oversold by an unscrupulous clerk that they freak out.  One year, an older man was in the store with his wife and another couple.  The women were taking their time and exclaiming over the different things in the boutique.  He came up to me and asked me what she’d like for Christmas.  I was floored!  How the heck should I know?  I gave him the best advice I could:  “Follow her around the store and make notes of the things she says she likes.”  He looked at me like I’d given him the secret of eternal life.  His expression said, “You mean the answer was right in front of me all along?”  I watched as he did as I suggested, notebook in hand.  He smiled broadly as he left the store with his list of ideas.  This was probably the best Christmas she ever had with him.

My favorite gifts are the hand made ones I received as a child.  They are treasured to this day.

As a knitter/crafter I often end up giving homemade gifts.  Yarn can be expensive and my time is definitely worth something.  When a knitter puts her time and money into a gift for someone whether it is for Christmas, birthday, baby shower, or other occasion, it is hard not to want the recipient to be awed and wild with joy.  Sometimes it just doesn’t happen.  I’ve given things where the size is wrong, the color is just not right or the person flat out didn’t really like it that much.  It’s hard not to have hurt feelings or be disappointed when that happens.  But you go forward and hope to do better next time.

Also as a knitter, sometimes people want to give you something relating to the hobby.  When someone gives yarn it is such a sweet thought.  However, when a non-knitter gives you yarn it is usually not enough to make a decent project.  They have no way of knowing and I usually appreciate the gesture and try to find something in my stash that will go with it or go buy more if I like it.  The Yarn Harlot has done some great blog posts recently with great suggestions on gifts for knitters.  Knitters usually give each other gift certificates to the local yarn store.

My attitude:  If someone goes out of their way to give me something, no matter how small, tacky, inappropriate, off, or wonderful… they deserve a heartfelt thank you, preferably in writing.  It doesn’t matter if their approach is different from mine.  It matters that they thought of me.  Even if I’m not especially grateful for the item, I’m very grateful for the thought behind it.  This has gotten much easier as I mature (in the past I may have shown disappointment to family members, I apologize for this lapse in etiquette).  I try to find gifts that the person wants/needs/loves.  I like to think I usually hit the mark, but know that I’ve missed with people too.  I hope that they look past it to the thought behind it.

Happy Gifting!  Here’s hoping that the loved ones in your life find the most magical and amazing things possible (whether it is a plate of cookies or the one thing you treasure above all else).  And, don’t forget to write your thank you notes.