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Careless Whispers

I was rereading old posts last night and it struck me–I’ve made a lot of promises to post pictures or start projects and haven’t always followed through.  I mean, what happened to the circular sweater or those baby booties?  Where is the picture of the blanket DH’s Grandma made?  There were others too that escape my memory.  Maybe that’s my problem….no memory.  I love the name of Paul McCartney’s last album:  Memory Full.  After a career as long and successful as his I imagine that’s literally true for him.  I’d like to think that it’s “Mom Brain” … but I think it just reflects an overall personality defect, this tendency towards carelessness.  Last year I found a cache of old report cards.  A notation on one from first or second grade indicated that I was “a very careless girl”.  Hmmmm.  Either someone had a bug up his butt or the amazing level of my carelessness drove him to resort to the only tool a teacher’s assistant had in the ’70s–my permanent record.  If I had only made a better effort in 2nd grade perhaps things would be different today.

Great Grandma Myrle’s blanket

There–that’s the blanket made by Eric’s Grandma.  It seems so long ago she was that little.

Back to the projects.  I think my main problem is that I very confidently detailed what project I was going to tackle with what yarn.  It sounded like I very much knew exactly what I wanted to do and with plucky determination would see it through.  Now that it’s months later and the yarn is still balled up and the project forgotten it seems like I’ve carelessly dropped the ball (so to speak), failed to follow through , let someone down.  But who have I really let down?  H has no idea what clothes are much less that I planned to make her any.  My readers?  Jen is the only one I know for sure who reads these posts and I’m hopeful that her kind Christian nature won’t judge me for a certain amount of fickleness regarding projects.  Myself?  Perhaps.  But I’m allowed to change my mind, aren’t I?

I think the issue really is that I grew up in a family where plans seemed to be solidly made in great detail.  But somehow never materialized.  Lots of intent but no action. It had an effect on all of us–when someone doesn’t follow through on a promise to provide a sturdy house to live in it affects your trust and sense of security.   So it seems solidly and darkly familiar to read these detailed project plans and realize that they were abandoned.  It makes me sneak looks into other parts of my life to see where else I’ve been careless in my promises.   Will I be as careless with H’s trust and security as others were with mine?  Will my obituary or headstone tell everyone that I was a very careless woman?

Do I need to talk about projects in a less concrete way so that I don’t feel this sense that I let somebody down if they don’t happen? Maybe I need to give myself a break and reframe my thought process and tell myself that it could still happen.  It’s only a failure if I die with the project undone.  Or even that this is just knitting for crying out loud and so what if I promised to start a project and don’t?  It only matters if I promised a specific item to a specific person and really only if they paid me to do it.  So there!

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